Resolution.
Embody my spirit animal in 2026
After 11 days of ceiling-staring, I consulted Meta AI—my trusted mental health companion who definitely respects my privacy—and locked in my 2026 resolution:
Live as a panda and vaguely give up on life.
May I:
Dress like I’m fashionably colorblind
Go strict vegan to disappoint my carnivorous ancestors
Romantically speaking, lower my fertility rate to extinction-adjacent
Never lose momentum to roll downhill
Get donated to a foreign government as “cultural diplomacy”
Acknowledgments:
No panda was harmed emotionally.
Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning—contains 0% practical camping advice.
Claude AI edited this. To counter the known issue of AI sycophancy, I’ve programmed mine to be autistic.